He didn’t pass the interview, but he settled into my house, drank my juice & enjoyed the fruit of my labours. 😢
Billy 1.0* (there are 3.5 Billy’s I have dated and now a reason I don’t date Billy’s EVER)
Billy was an actual boyfriend
Who didn’t even pass the interview, yet I let him get the converted job of boyfriend
He had a job (wow progress the last one didn’t)
He owned his own home (oh my, he doesn’t live with his mum)
And would compliment me (wow, amazing)
But he was such a tool
Yes let’s call a tool a tool
Now you’re probably asking yourself what is with all this name calling what does that make me
Well, to be honest, I was nursing some wounds and I was UNHEALED
I mean come on…
The guy would never apologise
The guy would do a no-show
The guy would be rude AF
And I would be all like, it’s ok, it happens
I would be grateful and think well…
At least he doesn’t call me names
At least he doesn’t beat me
And least he compliments me
I needed to be reminded that I am pretty?
Because I felt so…
Ugly
Fat
Stupid
Was this need for external validation worth it?
At what cost did this NEED to feel pretty come at?
Did the years of abuse where I felt worthless really just crop up in this relationship?
YES!
Any crumbs that this guy would give me, I would make it into a slice of bread and eat it all up
But at what cost?
I started to believe I wasn’t worthy of his time
I started to believe that his time was more precious than mine
These beliefs were from the evidence of my reality
I didn’t make it up
I didn’t imagine it
And I sure as heck didn’t manifest it
It was my story, I owned it, lived it but it was starting to own me
So why was this happening to me?
I had been vulnerable (my walls were down)
This guy knew my story
Knew what I went through
And maybe that was one of the issues
Not everyone deserves to hear your story
Brene Brown articulated it so well on Oprah “Who has earned the right to hear the story and with whom am I in a relationship with who can bear the weight of the story”
Lesson: Share your scars
Not your open wounds
Dating is like an interview for a job
No way would half of the candidates get appointed if we healed our wounds and said no to those that are unqualified
So how did I heal? A whole lot of dirty inner work which started off with taking responsibility and accepting who I am. Transformation isn’t clean, it can be a hot mess, but boy is it worth it.
*ex’s name has been changed because I didn’t want to give him props, not to protect his identity 😝
Remember Be Love, Be Brave, Be You!
Ruth-Ellen x 🎯
